Hookers’N’Dogs

Dear Men of the World: I probably don’t actually want to bang you

I don’t think I’m the only lady this happens to, but I’m supremely sick of it. The story goes, you’re having a conversation with a man–he can be a stranger, someone you’re helping in a service capacity, friend of a friend, enemy–anyone. The conversation is typically light and in no way flirtatious.

You say something like, “I’m going to grab another drink, would you like one?” or “Can I help you with anything else today?” or “You’re pretty drunk, do you have a ride home?” and he responds with “I have a girlfriend/I’m married.”

Men of the world, I’m glad you have a girlfriend or are married, but odds are, I did not want to bang you in the first place.  Is is so necessary to pre-emptively reject me before I had the chance to not make any sexual overtures?

This has happened over and over for as long as I have been having conversations with men, but I was re-reminded of it the other day via another blog of mine: closedstacks.wordpress.com.  I had written a blog commenting on a run-in with a library patron who wanted a book by Glenn Beck.  The encounter struck me as odd, so I wrote about it.

A conservative librarian read my words, took offense, and we had a merry squabble in the comments section culminating in me saying: “Clearly you and I will not be having dinner together anytime soon, John, and I’m sorry you feel I handled this poorly. I wouldn’t change anything that I did, however, and then next time a patron tries to engage me in political debate, I will deflect it in the same way.”

And him responding with: “I would love for my wife and I to have dinner with you. Because everyone has value.”

So, John and I are (at least politically) mortal enemies, but he still feels the need to tell me that he has committed himself on paper to another human being just in case I might be getting the wrong impression.  He also lives 1,058 miles away from me, and I don’t want to have dinner with him at all since just typing back and forth gave me a bit of a headache.

If movies and television have taught me anything, it’s that men actually hate or resent their wives and girlfriends for castrating their freedom to grunt and eat exclusively bacon.  Why then do they constantly inform uninterested parties of these ladies’ existence?  Is it so that they don’t get into trouble for withholding information from other females?  If I were to run into wife or girlfriend somewhere else and mentioned I’d clapped eyes on her mate once and he never told me about her would that relegate him to months on the couch?

It’s a sad state of affairs if one’s relationship is that pathetic, but that may just be the case.

Potential men I may meet someday, I just want you to know: I have a boyfriend.  There, now we can talk about something else.

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August 26, 2010 Posted by | by theagirl, Gentleman Callers, seriously? | , , , | 1 Comment

Shoeology: The Next College Major

Just when I thought television couldn’t get worse, I saw a self-proclaimed “shoeologist” on The Tyra Banks Show.  You might be wondering what a shoeologist does. No, it isn’t something involving the health of your feet, but instead it is a highly scientific way to figure out what type of man you are dating…or want to date.

If this sounds like something you need to know, you can actually read all about it in this book: Never Trust a Man in Alligator Loafers.

According to the author (she was a guest on TTBS), this is what you should look for if you see a man wearing the following types of shoes:

White Tennis Shoes – If the man you are eyeing is wearing these, this means that he can’t communicate. Why? Because if you wear white shoes, you can’t get them dirty. Can’t get your shoes dirty=can’t let loose. 

Black Vinyl Loafers with “Man Jewelry” – If a guy can wear a little man jewelry on his shoes, he is sensitive and loving.

Brown Cowboy Boots with Rounded Toes – Don’t be fooled, ladies. If your guy wears cowboy boots with a ROUNDED toe, he is a “Wall Street” cowboy.  He is strong and has a good job.

I would love to meet someone in this life who actually takes this to heart and believes it.

My husband wears tennis shoes, sometimes even white ones. He has no problem communicating. Am I disappointed there wasn’t a thorough analyzation of a pair of black soccer Adidas’? Probably not.

July 19, 2008 Posted by | by lacecomplex | , , , , , , | Leave a comment