Hookers’N’Dogs

Shoeology: The Next College Major

Just when I thought television couldn’t get worse, I saw a self-proclaimed “shoeologist” on The Tyra Banks Show.  You might be wondering what a shoeologist does. No, it isn’t something involving the health of your feet, but instead it is a highly scientific way to figure out what type of man you are dating…or want to date.

If this sounds like something you need to know, you can actually read all about it in this book: Never Trust a Man in Alligator Loafers.

According to the author (she was a guest on TTBS), this is what you should look for if you see a man wearing the following types of shoes:

White Tennis Shoes – If the man you are eyeing is wearing these, this means that he can’t communicate. Why? Because if you wear white shoes, you can’t get them dirty. Can’t get your shoes dirty=can’t let loose. 

Black Vinyl Loafers with “Man Jewelry” – If a guy can wear a little man jewelry on his shoes, he is sensitive and loving.

Brown Cowboy Boots with Rounded Toes – Don’t be fooled, ladies. If your guy wears cowboy boots with a ROUNDED toe, he is a “Wall Street” cowboy.  He is strong and has a good job.

I would love to meet someone in this life who actually takes this to heart and believes it.

My husband wears tennis shoes, sometimes even white ones. He has no problem communicating. Am I disappointed there wasn’t a thorough analyzation of a pair of black soccer Adidas’? Probably not.

Advertisements

July 19, 2008 Posted by | by lacecomplex | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why I Can’t Participate in Ride Your Bike to Work Week

This month can celebrate National Ride Your Bike to Work Week. While I appreciate the effort of people to cut down on gas usage and trying to make the world a better place to be, I am awfully tired of the snide comments and odd stares when people find out that no, I did not participate.

I would love to ride my bike to work, but the first obstacle presented is the fact that I do not have a bike. It was stolen by hooligans when I was in college. And no, I can’t walk. Or afford to buy a bike.

The big thing is, my work is 30 miles away. That is 60 miles round trip (yes, you can add, but the dramatics don’t really carry without stating the obvious). I imagine myself arriving to work all sweaty and tired from my 30 mile bike ride, carrying twenty pounds of the textbooks and papers I need for class. YES, I could handle this bike ride, but how long would it take? If class is at noon and it already takes 40 minutes to drive, I would probably need at least 3 hours to bike, just in case. When you are obsessive compulsive about time the way I am, it would need to be a huge window of time. Then there is the danger factor. Me, riding my bike alongside the interstate next to 80+ mph traffic doesn’t sound like a safe move. Pretty sure a helmet would not protect my head from damage in case of an accident.

This conversation eventually leads to the question of why I don’t use public transportation. I live in the Midwest, the land of wide open spaces. Public transportation is not available nor efficient in the 7 mile radius of my life outside of work.

So please, I beg you, do not judge my “non-efforts” to conserve gasoline. Just be happy that on the days I don’t work, I don’t leave the house.

May 23, 2008 Posted by | by lacecomplex | , , , , , | 2 Comments

When the Guests Attempt Overthrow

This weekend I attended the most fun wedding I’ve ever been to, besides my own. The ceremony was beautiful, the bride was beautiful, the whole day was beautiful. But then the guests got ugly!

The Expected Order of Other People’s Wedding Days According to Me:

Attend wedding in the middle of the afternoon, after being unsure of what to do for the rest of the day. (This weekend I was involved with the wedding party, so this did not happen. But normally it does as a regular guest.)

Go to wedding, cry, hug couple, take some pictures.

Leave wedding, go back to hotel or out to the bar. Get buzzed or more before reception.

Go to reception at scheduled time as announced in the invitation.

Dance and have a merry time.

A pretty normal day, right? This wedding had an odd glitch in the dinner plans. Since my husband was the best man and I did a reading in the wedding, we went out with the wedding party to a brewery after the wedding and before the reception. As we were having a good ol’ time, the maid of honor received a phone call stating that the guests were at the reception already and wanted to start dinner at 4:30 instead of 5:30.

We were all surprised and unwilling to leave, as it should be, but I remained shocked. Since when did wedding guests get so ballsy? They can’t sit for an hour and wait for the wedding party to get there?

When all was said and done, everything stayed on schedule and the dinner was not moved to an hour earlier. This is a new scenario that most certainly belongs in Emily Post.

May 19, 2008 Posted by | by lacecomplex | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Political Correctness and the Rude Handicapped

This has been bothering me for years. The backstory: While shopping at Maurices (one of two clothing stores in the Copper Country Mall) a clerk was incredibly rude to me and very slow. As she mistakenly rang up my order wrong, she proceeded to blame me with words that actually made me blush and also made my ears ring. It’s true my temper is not a difficult one to induce, but she had no right to treat me like that.

After she was through giving me the total, she held up her hand.  Only it wasn’t the hand we are used to, it was terribly misshapen and had three small and odd-shaped fingers. Upon seeing the hand, I immediately felt sorry about the curse words running through my head and the scowls I threw at my husband (at the time, he was my boyfriend). The rude clerk gave me my bag and my change, and we exited the store.

Safely out of ear shot, Hubs (aka Alan) and I launched into this dialogue:

Me: Now I feel bad. Did you see her hand?

Alan: Why? She was rude to you.

Me: So what, she probably has people staring at her hand all the time.

Alan: That gives her no right to be rude to you. She was rude long before you saw her hand.

Me: That’s true, I don’t even care about her hand. It was her personality that was mean to me.

That day has lingered in my mind for the past four years, and I was reminded of it again this weekend while shopping for (ironically) a golf glove. Alan was with me again, and we were at Target. He was ahead of me, rushing to get to a checkout line. He seemed to be having some weird reaction to florescent lights and the other customers swirling around the store, because normally we are not people that rush to get in line. We are patient and kind shoppers, unlike the next person in my story.

Most people are familiar with the whirring sound of an electric wheelchair or scooter- so imagine the sound getting closer, closer, closer….until your toe is literally an inch away from the wheels running by and there is NOT a small person riding on it. She was on the heavier side, not obese, but big enough to make the possible toe-crunching that much more excruciating.

So yes, I almost got my toes crushed by a woman riding an electric scooter. She wasn’t a regular woman by any means. She was eccentric, and breathing like a dragon. The straw on her head was like porcupine needles, and they jutted out of a black visor with blurred red lettering. Her eyes were frantic and wide, and a little on the bloodshot side. Her clothes were all black, and she barked orders about the merchandise in her scooter basket to a man I assumed was her husband. She was not only rude to me by nearly running over my foot, she was inches from crashing her scooter into Alan’s back and also rude to her husband.

And here come the questions. What is the proper way to deal with these situations? Yes, it is sad the girl at Maurices was born with a defect, and it is unfortunate the woman in Target has to rely on an electric scooter to get around, but why should I be pushed around by these people? If I ever decided to stand up for myself, I would be seen as someone who picks fights with handicapped people.  It’s not their handicaps I am against. It’s their attitudes. And although I am not someone that would ever speak up and point out when someone is being rude, it would still be nice to know how to not be the bad guy in situations like these.

May 12, 2008 Posted by | by lacecomplex | , , , , , , | 2 Comments