sorry, I’m infertile

For someone with my experiences I am tragically naive and trusting to a fault. Though I border on being completely dense, I say exactly what I mean and mean exactly what I say. Unfortunately I expect others to interpret my openness and honesty quite literally. Ladies pick up on it and appreciate my candor, but some dudes refuse to hear what I’m spitting at them. Misogyny runs rampant and even though I expressly repeat (and must defend), yes I’m single, no I don’t want to get married, no I don’t want kids some dimwits just don’t get it. I’m not being coy, I’m actually being upfront with you and you don’t respect me enough to listen.

Recently I visited a couple of friends in Portland OR and wanted to get to know some people in the city. It’s possible that I’ll move out there this summer and would like to have a circle of friends established so I can make a smooth adjustment. One evening I found myself without dinner plans and decided to call a friend of a friend with the hopes of getting to know him on a strictly platonic level. Later that night a group was going to a late show of No Country for Old Men and to me it was just rational to grab a bite prior to the movie, and this fellow seemed nice enough – I could see myself playing scrabble with Dude on facebook, maybe going out for happy hour, nothing more. We went in with different expectations and I was put on the defense all night.

Dude shows up at J’s doorstep dressed as swanky as a man his size can be and I’m unkempt – hair sloppily pulled back in a clip, glasses, baggy jeans and a hoodie. Since Dude knows I’ve no interest in dating anyone right now (during an earlier outing I extolled the virtues of being single and completely self-centered) I assumed he knew I just wanted to hang out. I live four states away and am only visiting for a week. Clearly I am not trolling. During the most uncomfortable evening of recent memory, he searched for compliments and I felt he was so insecure and self-loathing I tried my best to boost his self-esteem without coming across as invested. Dude tried to sell himself to me – he’s in law school, wants nothing more than to be married with child and is close to his family (far too socially-dependent on his parents for a 27-year old) – but he didn’t listen to a word I said all night.

Anytime I opened my mouth he cut me off with an irrelevant anecdote. If I tell you I’ve never seen ‘Farscape’ because sci-fi is not my thing, drop that thought-train right then and there so we can discuss something less polarizing. I’m sorry, but I’m not flattered that you think I’m reminiscent of a character on the show. That means nothing to me. And for fuck’s sake, don’t bring up Buffy. If I tell you what I hope to accomplish with my life, don’t trivialize it because it differs from your dreams. Actually, I can’t have kids and I’m okay with it. Maybe one day I’ll get married but right now I can’t even fathom the commitment. If you tell me you can’t get a good read on me, well shit. You aren’t listening.

During No Country for Old Men, Dude insisted on sitting next to me. Because of his sheer girth he was spilling over into my seat and I inched as far right as I could, practically sitting in A’s lap. No Country for Old Men is a rare movie that shook me to my core and I jump at the chance to get interpretations from others and share my thoughts. On the horrifically long ride home, Dude lectured me on why my take is flawed and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. Having spent three years with a man who stifled me, anytime someone, male or female, makes me feel I don’t have a voice, I’m brought back to 2003. People like that bring out the worst in me: I become sullen and withdrawn and detached and search desperately for an out. For a spell I contemplated jumping out of the car but thought that too dramatic. Instead I stopped talking about anything topical, commenting only on what was directly in front of me (check out those lawn ornaments), wishing J’s house was more centrally located.

How sad that women who choose to be single must reaffirm their decisions to people who aren’t worthy of their attention. Why did Dude try to cut me down because I’m not the Donna Reed type? I’m sure there’s plenty of women who would be thrilled at the comfort a marriage with an established lawyer can provide, and I’m not knocking it. If you aspire to be someone’s mother and wife, more power to you. If you differ from that norm (and FYI, that was never the norm), some people feel it’s within their right to question your decisions and ridicule your dreams. That is arrogant and judgmental and no way to live life. Even writing this blog, I feel I’m defending my decisions, though I wonder to whom. I’m lucky to have supportive family and like-minded friends, so fuck all the Dudes in the world.

March 10, 2008 Posted by | by kellyjeanjellybean | | 1 Comment