Hookers’N’Dogs

That much just for beaver??

I’ve got strippers on the brain.

I just finished reading Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper by Diablo Cody, which was a fascinating account of the author’s foray into the Minneapolis stripperdome. She explains her obsession with stripping and strippers as something that manifested out of a childhood that was too wholesome. No divorce, no drama, good grades– therefore she was looking out for the “other”. Of course, she got out after a year or so, which most girls don’t do, but most girls have different reasons for starting out in the first place.

So I learned a lot from this book, namely that (in Minnesota at least), fully nude bars cannot serve alcohol. I don’t understand this; is it an issue of sanitation or something? Maybe it’s not wanting to let the patrons have their cake and eat it too. So guys go to these places, spend $9 on cokes (2 drinks minimum), just to see girls without their pants on.

I always thought that going to a strip club for guys was like a male bonding experience: you drink some Bud, have a little conversation, and watch girls flap their boobies in your face. The boobies are kind of a bonus in my mind, but the guys would be there anyway.

This no drink thing takes it to a strange place for me because it seems like men are all too willing to have a rather uncomfortable experience just to see girls completely naked. I could see some people (creepier people) frequenting a place like this, but it seemed like it was doing brisk business when Cody worked there. Also, to put myself in the position of the stripper, it would make me more uncomfortable if everyone looking at my crotch was in full possession of their faculties.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my vagina. It’s fabulous, beautiful, it gets the job done– but it seems amazing that guys are willing to pay so much just for that extra bit. Above and beyond the 2-drink-minimum, there are tips, private dances where the guys are expected to buy the dancer a drink as well– of course this is all starting to sound like I’m just very, very cheap. That ends up being a lot of money just to see girls naked.

I guess, when I saw male strippers, I was very disappointed that it was all ass cheeks and no penis, but I don’t know if I would have paid extra.

So, now I want to know more. It’s so odd to get a glimpse of the giant world that co-exists with “everyday”, but rarely overlaps. I don’t know if it is something anyone can really understand. I haven’t gone to many strip clubs, but when I have, I tend to think of the dancers as people and imagine what they do when they get home. The whole experience is never sexy for me, rarely exciting, and winds up being an exercise in psychology.

Cody said in the afterward that there was very little redemption in the story. Obviously, she is doing well for herself, but the story was “I wanted to do this, I did it, I got tired of it.” It’s easy to forget that there are girls out there who want to be strippers; girls you don’t have to feel sorry for, who are making a killing doing what they are good at.

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January 27, 2008 Posted by | by theagirl, stripping | , , | 1 Comment

an open letter to 40-year-old virgins who aren’t nearly as cuddly and non-threatening as the main character in the movie of the same name

Dear Sir:

I realize that you were just trying to be friendly, but I have to tell you– you’re friendliness has a distinct air of desperation-bordering-on-scariness about it. I spoke to you because you are an acquaintance of a friend, and because we were sitting next to each other at the bar. Really I would have preferred to watch the TV.

In the spirit of self-improvement I feel I should tell you that mentioning your match.com account within 10 minutes of conversation (not even constant conversation), is not a smooth move. I am happy that you are on facebook, but you will never be a friend of mine on facebook regardless of how many times you mention it. I don’t know if you could tell, but I didn’t want to give you my last name, certainly not a phone number or email address. I could see you hovering and trying to talk to me again when I had turned away to speak with my friends, that is why I kept my back to you. Also, I wasn’t even really involved in the other conversation, I just wanted to shut you out in the hopes that you would go away.

Are you the type of man who at work eats a lot of carrot sticks and yogurt, but only in front of other people? The type who eat that particular lunch every day, never with any enthusiasm, or really lack of enthusiasm, but still everyone who sees you knows that it’s “diet food”. Everyone knows that you eat heathily during the day, but go home and binge on your fattening food of choice. That’s why, even though you consume 120 calories for lunch eat day, and say you exercise regularly, you never get any smaller.

I appreciate the fact that you like and respect old people, but I don’t really care. I’m sure that as a city councilman, it’s necessary to gladhand the seniors, but do we really need to talk about that? Especially since I never gave you any indication that I like old people, or even know any. Why can’t you re-group and think of something else to say if you insist upon talking to me. I feel like you do this often, and to many girls, perhaps you should have a ready list of topics to discuss in case she seems uninterested in hearing about how you LOVE text messaging and are CONSTANTLY getting text messages.

Was it really necessary for your friend to bring his laptop? We went to this event to watch the primary results come in, and there was a giant screen projecting that to the whole room. Also, you had some kind of hand-held device, which I’m sure has internet access, that I’m also sure would have become the topic of conversation if I hadn’t turned around when I did.  Is it that important that you see immediately what Wonkette is saying? Can’t it wait until you return to your empty bachelor pad and eat ice-cream and cheesecake until you feel slightly ill?  You know you’re just going to re-read it anyway.

The reasons you continue to fail with women are many, but very few have anything to do with anything but yourself.  Take this time to re-evaluate your strategies, or just stop trying.

sincerely,

the female population

January 12, 2008 Posted by | by theagirl, Gentleman Callers, letters | , , , | Leave a comment